I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
