my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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