if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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