can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
