just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
