he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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