ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My balls are so social today.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
