watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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