What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I checked into jail on foursquare
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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