dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
