My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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