About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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