Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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