So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
