Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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