there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
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