Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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