i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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