This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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