New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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