i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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