Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
