need another drink. this is the easiest way
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
