Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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