I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
