Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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