He had one of those small greek statue penises
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
