If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
