It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
