I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
