And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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