The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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