I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
