im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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