I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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