He uses pillows to masturbate.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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