dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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