We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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