Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
