Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
