I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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