she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
