i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize