i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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