Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
