I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize