I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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