guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
