you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
