you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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