You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
