Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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