Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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