I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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