Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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