??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
