I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
