Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
