dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
