I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
