Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
